This is not a movie review

Yesterday I went to see the new Spike Lee joint, "Inside Man," a tight, stylish caper movie starring a couple of actors I wouldn’t mind running into in a dark alley, if you know what I mean.

Before the movie, the latest trailer for "The Da Vinci Code" played. Up until then I wasn't sure I wanted to watch it. Seeing Tom Hanks of late parading around in his da Vinci hairdo, I wasn't sure I could stomach it. And the movie has been so hyped and hyped and hyped as being one of the surefire box-office smashes of the century that it just sort of leaves a taste of revulsion in the mouth.

But then I saw who else was in the movie: Ian McKellen! Jean Reno! And Audrey Tatou -- you know, Amelie!!!

I can't be dissin' Gandalf, The Professional or Amelie. And so, with the movie's release imminent, I decided, Gosh, I'd better read the book.

Last night, as I settled into bed around 1 a.m., not tired at all, I was actually a little excited -- and, for the first time, optimistic -- about diving into those 454 pages.

I read. And read and read. To Page 50. Hm. To Page 70. I put the book down. I wasn't quite sure what was happening. I turned off my Itty Bitty Book Light and rested my head on my pillow, trying to fathom it. No way. I picked up the book again. Slipped on the light. Read to Page 104. Was sure now. Closed the book, turned off the light, and fell into a deep sleep.

Today, one of my tasks is going to be to go online to find a good synopsis of the book, spoilers and all. Because after reading in bed for about two hours I came to one conclusion: This is a horrible book.

If I'm reading it only to be able to compare it with the movie (starring Amelie, people!), well, it's just that -- it's so not worth my time. So I want the Cliffs Notes. I know they're out there somewhere.

How does this happen? Bazillions of people have read this book. I've asked a few of them, in trying to gauge whether I should join the masses, "So, is it really that good?"

Typically, the response is: "Mneh, it's all right. I suppose it's worth reading. It goes really fast."

Which doesn’t directly answer my question -- "I suppose it's worth reading," not the most enthusiastic response to "Is it really that good?"

But I guess I was expecting a little more … delight. The book has been so widely lauded for being impeccably edited and astonishingly detailed. Even a note on the first page is promising: "All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate."

I was assuming that for an author to go to as much trouble as Dan Brown is supposed to have gone to, meticulously researching and traveling and consulting foremost-expert-types and whatnot, then the book couldn't help but be smart and intriguing and interesting. In its pages, even if it wasn't the most literary of tales, I at least expected to gain some insight into art or religion or the earth or the meaning of life that I had not come across before. Alas. (Da Vinci was gay? No! Nature's design seems to magically follow some sort of random-ish mathematical ratio [with decimal points and all]? Wow!)

Perhaps all of Mr. Brown's descriptions are "accurate," but they're also clunky, trite and uninteresting to read -- about as graceful as the dialogue in a daytime drama.

"Code" lovers will no doubt come back at me with variations of "You need to read the whole book to really appreciate it," or "It never professed to be great art," or "Oh yeah? If you know so much about books, why don't you go write a best seller yourself, *&@$#!?"

Spare me.

If answers to the mysteries of science, art and religion are what I'm after, I'll go read a textbook -- or, better yet, a solidly written piece of nonfiction. When I pick up a novel (or comic book or other escapist fare), I'm looking for more than something to just pass the time. I want to read something that's going to tickle the brain rather than be an insult to it.

And if I'm going to sink my mind into a guilty pleasure, I want to at least feel pleasured -- not as if I've just been the victim of a writerly premature ejaculation.

So today, I am going to do something I've done only two other times in my life: walk away from a book.

Meanwhile, if you want a good religious thriller, read Umberto Eco's "The Name of the Rose."

In fact, I may have to go back and read "The Name of the Rose" myself, just to feel clean again.

(And lest you think schlocky mainstream best sellers are the only books I've walked away from in the past, think again: One of the others happened to be an Umberto Eco book -- "The Island of the Day Before" -- which didn't make me feel violated, but did keep putting me to sleep.)

Comments

[colleen]

(writing at a new blog) i haven't read it either... and now, i don't want to. you've taken me from "eh, if i get around to it" to fully in the "screw that!" camp. sorry you had to go through even 100 pages to get to that point tho.

[Jen]

hey, i love your new design! and i thought i might have been a bit harsh on the book, but hell -- he's gotten so many raves, why not? and it's not like anyone really cares what i think. :)

[John Stanforth]

I've heard from several friends that it's a horrible book, and I certainly won't try to convince you otherwise. I think it must be a much better audiobook (all 16 hrs of it), maybe because its simple writing style works better in spoken form and the characters were read beautifully with decent accents for each. Oh, and I love "The Amazing Race" and early church history and conspiracy theories, so I'm pretty much THE target audience for this book.

Even that said, I was almost halfway through the book before I thought it got interesting, and even afterward, ended up at "hmm, fun" but not exactly impressed.

I also had several people point out that my review of the book last weekend doesn't actually address the story... or writing or... really much of the book at all. So, maybe I only really like this book as neurotripper art. That is, I noticed years and years ago (while watching a hideously bad episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, mind you) that I love stuff that sends me off on some tangent, thinking about something else entirely, and I apparently zone back in just as the end credits are rolling and look around with an absent-minded "Ummm--- Huh? what? Oh... yeah... Cool! That was really great!"

So, you are hereby warned to ignore all of my future reviews, as the review you're reading could very likely be a review of something in my head completely unrelated to whatever I'm nominally reviewing... :-)

Also, Part 2 of my Da Vinci Code review (next week) will be a long list of what total bullshit this book is with a laundry list of things that Dan Brown got wrong. Which may surprise readers of Part 1 who thought I loved the book and believed everything he said. Oops!

Clearly, being a book reviewer is not my calling in life.

[Vince Tuss]

Absolutely in the same boat as you were in. I got it for Christmas and decided I had to read it before the movie came out. The hardest part to read was the first 40 pages. Once I realized the adjective writing was throughout the book, I was able to finish it. I'm glad I read it, though I wouldn't exactly say I enjoyed it.

[ashok]

I have a friend who has written extensively on The DaVinci Code, trying to hold it to the same standards one holds "The Sound and the Fury" to, and we fight about this all the time.

"Look," I tell her, "You can do that with Vonnegut, or Joe Klein's Primary Colors. But it's obvious this thing wasn't well-crafted."

Her: "But you don't know whether it's well-crafted or not until you use standards to analyze it with."

Me: "Using those standards makes this thing sound so much better than it is! The mere invocation of those standards gives it a credibility it shouldn't have!"

Her: "That may be true, but isn't respect needed to be given to find the truth?"

Me: "Not in this case. Aristotle holds you don't need to be a carpenter to tell whether a house is well-built or not. A similar sort of logic applies here."

This sort of argument continues over and over until I get ticked off and storm out.

I'm going to write a conspiracy theory bestseller soon, but I need to eat more paint chips and throw myself down the stairs more and more so I lose the brainpower that might allow me to craft a real book.

[Lisa]

Amen, sister. Save yourself the trouble: http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/davincicode/ (I purposely didn't use any adjectives in this comment. You've been through enough.)

[Tara]

I had to laugh - bought the book - struggled with it to pg 140 - the writing is "rusty" that's the only way I can think of to describe it - rust, and makes me think of that musty damp smell like at a lake house or summer camp, and out-dated, I mean who uses those phrases that are so heavily peppers throughout? I ended up breaking down and getting the ipod version for some of those CT car trips - Volpe & I ended up liking it - but every now and then my attention span would wander & I would be drawn back by one of those rusty words "trousers", "handsome", or awkward descriptions of the main characters you might expect to find in a 70's "romance" novel. I wouldn’t listen to it again, or try to read it - but it made that bridge traffic melt away - a diversion on par with a movie you didn’t want to see in the first place that ends up not completely sucking.

[Tiare]

Hey Jen, I know, I tried *five* times to read Da Vinci shortly after grad school because I wanted something fun yet interesting. But it bugged the hell out of me. I never got past page 100. Maybe it's great for people who are really into religion, dunno. It is so poorly written, so overly dramatic -- and so annoying!! I felt like an intellectual snob when I told people that, but oh well.

[Your old lindy buddy Adam]

Hey Jen,

I really chuckled reading your commentary about Dan Brown's writing. I had the misfortune of being loaned his sequel (or prequel?) "Angels and Demons"... and let's just say that I want some hours of my life back. Such hackneyed, trite, roll-your-eyes-in-disbelief writing!

If you lifted random sentences from his writing, you could enter them in "It was a Dark and Stormy Night" contests... and win!

* * *

Incidentally, I just saw the movie (hey, don't hate me... my whole company got free tickets to see it), and... well, you can read my review on my blog ;) Hint: The best word to describe the experience is "joyless"

[Aimee M.]

not that you need any more justification, but do read Anthony Lane's review of the movie here. i don't think i've ever read him so angry.

http://www.newyorker.com/critics/cinema/?060529crci_cinema