Look closer

That is not dust. No, the stuff that coated my little end table before I cleaned it today was not your typical icky buildup--it was pollen.

Pollen on the matches. Pollen on the bar book. Pollen on the many bottles of booze bought duty-free on the last trip to Costa Rica. Pollen in the mornin', pollen in the evenin', pollen at suppertime…

The weather outside has been about 80 degrees lately, but the central air conditioning in my apartment building has yet to be turned on. That means the temperature inside is, oh, about 85 degrees. Cooler outside + warmer inside = open windows. And open windows, combined with spring and a slight breeze, has meant a steady influx of the yellow stuff. And look at it! Just seeing it there makes you want to sneeze. Gesundheit.

This has had the unpleasant side effect of severely driving up expenditures on drowsy and non-drowsy and super-double-plus drowsy/non-drowsy 8-, 12- and 24-our allergy medicine.

It is also, to put it simply, completely gross. I wiped it away and it left a thick coating of yellow gunk on my little wipey-towel. By the time I was done de-pollenizing the various tables and bookshelves and chairbacks, the towel resembled not so much a sheet of fabric but a moist glob of sticky plant boogers. Yum.

You could bottle this stuff and use it as a weapon of mass destruction. Disable your enemies' air conditioning, then strategically aim a fan and drop a vial of the stuff into the air path. Then watch as debilitating allergies send them screaming into their bunkers.

Or, market it as a gag gift. Tell your friends it's fairy dust, or body powder, and watch in delight as they sprinkle it all over themselves, then itch and sniffle and achoo all night.

Imagine the opportunity for sabotage. Want to derail some backstabbing colleague in the next big meeting? Sprinkle some pollen over his keyboard. Have the hots for the same chick your pal is crushing on? Drop some pollen in his pocket on the way to the next party, then cozy up to the chick and point and laugh as your friend fights to not spray snot all over the guests.

The possibilities are endless.